My head hurts so much right now and the pain's sinkin' in...I must give myself a break for my much needed cry but it just don't come out naturally...my heart felt bursting and anguish registered my face,so much transparent that i don't need to tell anyone i'm so much sad i could fill one hell of a stadium if i cried...He doesn't seem to be absorbing what i'm telling him...it pains me so much knowing that i've been living with somebody who doesn't love me or perhaps never loved me or so i say...it kills me knowing i had to weep each and every damning night waiting for him to be safely home here with me and then as i lay beside him...i wonder, would i ever wake up one day without seeing the same person i have shared room&bed to for five years...Hey, i DO KNOW that you don't love me anymore but to betray me and lay your lecherous doings in front of me...please,for Christ sake spare me...i had enough pain and i DO KNOW that i can't do anything anymore for you to LOVE me...i don't need to be reminded what's so much obvious..i've been thru a lot of sufferings without somebody to back me up...unlike you,i've been thru a lot of pains and sacrifices without anyone to pick me up unlike you...why do you have so much hate on me with so much bad wishes for me there in your cold,cold heart?we both know i don't deserve it...i have loved you with all of my hear...i have given you all that i have...i may be naive on other things that you taught me like loving you and such--and because of that you felt frustrated...which means you've been a worst teacher as well because i failed...Why?Don't i deserve to be frustrated on how you treated me?I bet i really am the only one whom you bared all your mask and showed me how worst could you got...i am the only person whom you treated lower than the lowest form of living organism...you loathed me..i get frustrated that i didn't get to change or to upgrade you in a more human person...that i didn't get to let you look at the mirror and realize what kind of person you are then change into a person...with heart!I get so much hurt that i gave up all -- my family,friends,good life & everything that i am to change and to fit in your own bubble...to like what i used to dislike and forcedly adapt on the most complex lifestyle way from the simple living i used to live...Hey,if you could really love somebody else then you must now have a heart then why do you still have to treat me this way?I'm so tired but i have hope deep inside my heart...i have loved you and will still love you even if you forget...you are the only one i love...you are the father of my children..how could i forget?so please...i know that both of us were feeling so much difficulty on living together and sleeping,making love without love i guess, and sharing room,bed,towels,everything...It hurts me so much,too...my heart's been bleeding always and my eyes were crying uncontrollably every night...But please don't make it so much harder to me since i am the loser here...i'm losing you and i'm losing the life you gave me...my children are losing their dad...what more?i know this might have to be left unread...but at least the burden in my heavy heart grew lesser as the tears poured with this rambling...at least,you may have wanted to forget me and though you would...at least i have loved you and never pretended too...at least even if you she me just as low as you think i am...i have a heart that's true...
- Peaches, Sullen and Pained Mood...
Started,10;24pm...Finished,11:03pm
10/22/04,Friday Alone 2 Gorznet Internet cafe
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