i do had this great urge to post something in here about 4 days ago. The DSL won't cooperate with me though and i wasn't able to open this website till now.I don't really know what to post in here at the moment since my rage and my hatred quite subsided...though it still lingered in me...it wasnt as intense 4 days ago as it was today...i'm at a loss on what ton pour out... I do need to inwind to unload this damning, freaking mind stressing burden that's raising hell in my life right now...i can't even cry anymore...it's like drowning and then wans't able to see any sign of help at all. I do not wish to be in this situation much more than how i never wanted to be here in the first place...i wish i didn't have kids to look after to, much more than i didn't have them to sacrifice myself this much...i shouldn't have plunged into this uncertain job in the first place...now i would have to bear with everything that's happening to me..i would have to endure the pain that it's causing me...i would have to get low, get blind to those who are pulling me down, drowning me and ditching me to the drain...i don't intend to be this way...i even hated morphing into someone i don't know at all...i'm like a person trapped into someone else's body...i can feel so unsexy for someone who's so beautiful, so unloved for someone so fine, i can feel so dumb for someone with substance and i can feel so boring for someone so interesting and so ignorant for someone of sound mind, and i'm wondering why is that so? i don't even know who am i going to trust...i don't even know where am i going to or whom am i gonna feel secure with...i'm a relationship doormat i have been the first, yes i am but still i have been the perennial spare for chrissake!Now, i'm into a situation where i am quite worried and stressed out and all drained up...now i'm having a new life inside me whom i could've removed out of frustration, confusion and being scared...but, i don't know where to go, or hide for support, protection or even a little affection...all these rejection are piling up and these little abandonment seemed to add up so quickly and sting me easily...all these little protections from those who cared and all these little defenses and projections don't even seem to help me...they failed to give me security...and the fortress and wall i have built up around me. i don't know if it's my job to keep going still even if i'm quite unable? I don't know if it's my calling to be selfless extraordinaire where my generosity made me disabled by this sense of duty to offer despite abandonment and ungrateful sucker who benefits from me...i shouldn't have given myself this much worst treatment that i hadn't even done to anybody else but myself...it's sickening...but sometimes i don't even know if i'm a dead man walking yet that's how i feel. It's like i'm in a dead end of a deserted street with nowhere to go to and then i end up having no choice at all but to plunge into the risk...i hate it that i have to do it over and over again...i do i have to feel this motherly instinct inside me that would do anything and i mean ANYTHING for my kids...it's tiring and frustrating...it's like i'm going round and round in circles...no aim, no goal, no nothing...why, i don't even wanna feel this way, i don't know why no one would even wanna listen or believe me even if i'm downright telling the truth...not even one in this so called chaotic family-mommy-wife life that i'm living did anybody believed me, ever...then i'll learn soon enough that it's better and well quite lucky for those who lied because they were believed and then i looked stupid as i always ended up...i don't wanna die because my children needs me but that's what i feel...how i do wanted to end up this life..i don't think i could finish this journey to hell and still be sane...i wanted to scream, to trash, to throw things and to deliberately cry my heart out...why do i have to grow up and stay good all my life to end up becoming the great loser of all time...i'm hurt, so much hurt yet i can't do anything about it... how would i ignore everything even if i'm advised to do so... why is it that it's me whom they would always wanted to shut up...i can't give a good rationalization why they would always want me to be blind and mute and suppress every truth i know...why can't they just treat me good?it's so crazying feeling this way...so unloved, so disrespected, so misjudged...i've never been any happier with you... and this is the price i have to pay for giving up all that i have...for loving every person unconditionally?it's sick!
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