So Unloved for Someone So Fine

I'm at a loss on what to say, i don't even know what to think... only hater and self - pity and confusion lingered in my head...I haven't got the least bit of strength left for me... I 'm on the verge of giving up.What's this that's happening to me?I don't even know myself anymore...everytime I stared at the mirror I only saw someone else whom I've never known nor noticed before.Who's this loser staring back at me?Who's this woman who doesn't know how to love herself at all,i can't even remember when she had emerged?maybe the right the day when she started learning to love unconditionally and gave up everything she had, fame, stability, inner peace, set of friends,cliche, everything...even her personality in exchange for living in hell with that person who never cared at all whatever happened to her nor if ever she existed at all.

I kept on thinking, if I had been so selfish and if I have never been so giving and so understanding and so forgiving and so accepting...and so blind and so deaf and so mute on everything would I still feel like this?Would I still cry rivers on each unguarded moments?On each chance that i'm alone and had my privacy to grieve?Would I be any happier? Would I be anything but volatile? Why hadn't i seen this before? I'm ruining my life because he's driving me up to the wall and it's quite too late for me to blow my horns or set the pedal and send my brakes slamming and screeching into a halt? Maybe... but, i never did something to stop this because I'm way too busy doing everything to stop any possibility of falling out of love and waking up to get out of this hell's pit that i'm in...

Now, I'm at a loss of what to do...i defied what i have taken so much effort to do (leaving him) and plunged into this promising hoax of a job in order to support my kids and then drove my way back to this nightmarish life. And what did I got?betrayal right there on that freakin' job (financed by his parents - no choice)... ending up with no job at all and a huge damning frustration plus the burden of how am I gonna pay that freakin' 11k they had spent on me...Not only that, I ended up getting so mind-splitting pregnant again plus a bonus of INFECTION on my outer genitalia that has caused me to feel so much lesser and so much smaller than before... There's more, when his ma learned about it, well, she declared that twas my fault (me? why me? i don't even like it!) and that she don't care about us nor this damn baby at all...As if i'm the one dirty, as if everything that he's been doing is all my mistake!Why do I get all these I don't even deserve any of these at all...It doesn't stop there, that maddening old hag of his ancestor was damning me out of my mind... kept on telling and spinning gossip about me...even having all the guts to rule over anybody else and decide as if she owned my firstborn which definitely got under my skin, send shivers right through my spine and some occasional trickles of tears gushing out of my eyes.

When will I stop deserting myself, i don't really know and then when will I start staying with myself, I'm not really sure about. All these little rejections and then all these taking for granted left me feeling so ungood, so worthless, so ignorant, so thrown away, so much ditched...I'm so off the ledge and I can't seem to get away from it all...I know it's insane to keep on hugging one's own nightmarish fate yet i kept on clinging to it...What makes me sick even more is the fact that everybody seemed to put the blame on me...I thought i'd never react, I thought I could just endure everything but...there's too much rage inside me and there's too much pain inside me...and there's way too many scars in my heart that's throbbing and stinging me, drilling a hole in my head and splitting my dignity into many shredded fragments...What i can't understand is why are those people around me so unfair, why do they saw what's bad what's wrong with me yet they could never see what's happening to me, what they are doing or what some people are doing to me?I don't get it...instead, they tend to believe those who lied and tend to deny or cover up those who messed up rather than trying to listen to me...they only hear what i tell 'em but they never listened...nobody seemed to listen to me and that scarred me even more...here i am, i'm not telling any lies since i'm afraid i'd slip if i tried lying even once...then there they are ignoring me judging me, misunderstanding me...vindicating me, crushing me even more...How about him?No bruise at all?He made up all these mess, he smashed me down so low, he plunged me end left me to drown in his own quicksand of lies and of immorality even if i've avoided doing something to demoralize myself even more as he has demoralized me so much more than i deserve...The irony?He practically got away with it,with hands holographically clean of all those exploits and rottened discriminations and polygamy...with the help of his allies...I kept on crying every time i'm alone, i kept on weeping every time i remembered...i'm drowning and i'm on my own...it's like i'm parachuting, he had dropped me in the air then left me fly without the parachute...it's like an emergency, i'm running out of oxygen and then no one was there to hear me scream for help...and hten somewhere else he knew it and was like a ticking bomb..counting his guts out the rest of the moment left for me to die...It's so sick...this is sick I know...but if I won't put it here I think I'll go straight to the looney bin and no question about it...

Maybe...just maybe, if it weren't for my three-year-old daughter who's continuously loving me, who's untiringly cheering me up...who's right there to support me, to cheer me up to talk me out of this day and night i'd be probably dead...she told me she'll always be there, she'll never leave me, she'lll be sad with me, or be happy with me and even cry with me if she had to just so I won't be alone...That, and more...a three-year-old girl could do better than any of my friends, siblings, confidants and parents...she told me she doesn't like it that her older sister doesn't love me...she told me she doesn't like it that her father trashes me like that if only she could do something about it...she's so mature and sounded off like an 18-year old yaung lady... she's the only one who made any sense to me at all...despite the fact that sometimes, those sudden burst of anger and hatred and frustrations...i flared up at her unintentionally yet she understood even not the words that i've been telling her but the feelings of exasperation that i'm experiencing...and she says sorry to me...maybe for annoying me, maybe for pulling the plug and letting a slight surge of anger out of me...maybe because she don't completely understand me at all but she knew how exactly could she pacify me and calm me into halt...All that and the overflowing hugs and kisses and never ending "i love you, Mommys" coming from her...that made me go on even if i have long given up already...it's all because of her...who understand me more than anybody else, who stood by me more than any body else...I may exist still as glum and worthless-looking as a living-dead...but dead men don't die...and dead men could talk their heart out...

FOR YOU!

KARMA
Alicia Keys

Weren’t you the one who said that you don’t want me anymore
And how you need your space and give the keys back to your door

And how I cried and tried and tried to make you stay with me

And still you said your love was gone and that I had to leave

Now you’re Talking bout a family

Now you’re saying I complete your dreams

Oh

Now you’re sayin I’m your everything

You’re confusing me

What you saying to me, don’t play wit me, don’t play wit me

Cause….

What goes around comes around

What goes up must come down

Now who’s cryin’, desirin’ to come back to me

I remember when I was sittin home alone

Waitin for you til 3 o’clock in the ‘morn

And when you came home you’d always have some sorry excuse

Half explaining to me like I’m just some kind of a fool

I sacrificed the things I wanted just to do things for you

But when it’s time to do for me

You never come thru

Now you wanna be up under me

Now you have so much to say to me

Now you wanna make time for me

Whatcha doin to me, you’re confusin me

Don’t play with me don’t play with me cause

What goes around comes around
What goes up must come down
Now who’s cryin’, desirin’ to come back to me

I remember when I was sittin home alone

Waitin for you till 3 o’clock in the ‘morn

Night after night knowing something goin on

Wasn’t long before I be gone

Lord knows it wasn’t easy believe me

Never thought you’d be the one that would deceive me

And never do what you’re supposed to do

No need to approach me fool, cuz I’m over you

Gotta stop trying to come back to me

It’s called Karma baby and it goes around

Someone I Shouldn't Have Taken For Granted...

My Boo
USHER & ALICIA KEYS

[Usher intro:]
There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby ooh you'll always be my boo

[Alicia intro:]
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock

[Usher verse:]
Do you remember girl
I was the one who gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl
I was the one who said put your lips like this
Even before all the fame and
People screaming your name
Girl I was there when you were my baby

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo

[Alicia verse:]
Yes I remember boy
Cause after we kissed
I could only think about your lips
Yes I remember boy
The moment I knew you were the one I could spend my life with
Even before all the fame
And people screaming your name
I was there and you were my baby

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo

[Usher:]
My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo

[Alicia:]My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia & Usher:]
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock

I remember as i was trying to relax and forget about these problems that's mushrooming all around me...i played some selection of videos in my media player...suddenly, mem'ries came rushing out of my head... I remember this boy who used to be my boo...he's the only one who made me so important...he told me how sad he became when he learned that this guy i loved so much treated me like a trash when for him...my name is a poetry enough...how he touched my heart...i thought i have almost fallen for him again...if only i could love him more than i should...but then...time and distance and priorities became a huge hindrance between us...i dunno we just drifted apart after some months when we reconnected last year...maybe it was fate...i dunno. yet i remembered when he told me..."if one day, peach you woke up and you realized nobody knows the real you... who you really are...and then you felt like nobody loves you or no one wanted to love you anymore...just look for me, find me and i'll be there for you..." That i remember! Also the time when he proposed to me and said he'd rather take me back and away again from that person i loved much who never loved me if only i would allow him and want him to...that touched me...i almost cried i told him...if only we could change situations, if only we could turn back time...i shouldn't have exchanged him with this person who is a total jerk... i shouldn't...yet i will always remember what i vaugely told him...that if i had a change of heart...if after five years starting 2004 to 2009 (hopefully) and i haven't married the jerk yet...i will accept him back and let him marry me...well, that is if he would still want me...he's the one who introduced me to this song...he told me...it sounds like our story...yeah the chorus especially...and i would always remember him through usher's songs...BURN and this... and through alicia keys'...he would always be my boo...

- i missed him mood...

(no,not who you think...the other one...)

july 03 2005, 11:05 pm

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