Sometimes, i don't understand why people tend to believe those lying jerks than me who's been telling 'em what's really true?Sometimes i just got sick and tired of it all that i wanted to scream on the top og my lungs just to get it all out...what's in my head!i can't do that, though so i felt like exploding or all crunched up i could hardly breathe.Damn!i'ts always, always like this!I always end up shamed, stupified, mullified, shutted up, even if i know i reacted the way one must react in situations that drowns out your heart and asphyxiate yopur brain of proper reasoning and modest,less candid expresing.Well, everybody's been doing that...yet, nobody tends to notice or even give a damn, what i don't understandis that, why is it that if it's me that's doin' the act,i'm the one wrong, i'm the villain, ihurt other people's feeling and all that?i really don't get it why after holding on to my patience and clamming up my assertions and then bottling up my feelings, i still didn't get the right to react?it seems like crazying...why do other people only care for their feelings yet they never noticed that they are trampling other persons life to death...that they are driving other persons life to hell, to the looney bin and they don't even anna admit it that they do?i dunno if they noticed it or they're just plainly numb and cold and are intentionally ignoring it?I'm so tired and hurt and drained and still fighting the losing battle even if should have long given up just because of that STUPID HOPE that i'm holding my sanity into.I just hate myself so much that i let other people to made me feel this way,DAMN PATIENCE, to hell with my 'MORONIC MARTYRNESS'. i just hate myself so much because i really wanted to fight for myself, for my kids, and i do wanted to fight for everything that i have sacrificed, for everything that i have given up and for everything that i have lost along the way BUT i couldn't and i don't understand why?i hate myself because i always, always think of what others would feel before myself to the extent of hurting myself, more than what i have expected that would...i hate myself because i always have this attitude of saving other people's ass, and rinsking myself in exchange to their damn safety...Oh damn i don't like it that i've always, always loved others before myself...i'm making a piece shit out of me!maybe everybody's right, i'm ruining my own life just for the happiness and convenience of other person...i'm so exhausted of this, i'm always the one who's catching whoever was to fall...and when i'm the one breaking down into mangled pieces...no one's there for me at all, nobody's ever there to back me up... 
i don't understand why do i always have to give all that i have, to share all that i can without asking for something in return...why do i have to always love other person with all my heart, be it anybody and yet it seems as though nobody seem to love me, not even seem to notice me nor care at all...i don't like it that i seemed to have adapted the role of a lightbulb, a food or a vehicle that they would only turn to when they need me to fix this, do that favor or be anything handy for them...i do feel like a freakin' doormat, for chrissake!
About you, i have always loved you unconditionally, i have always given you all that i have, i have always followed what your craziest whim would be,i don't understand why you have to always make me feel this way.it's always like this, i don't even know why i'm so pretty damn hurt when i know it won't do me any good.i don't even wanna give up on US, i don't even wanna let you go, how many times that i have gathered my withering guts to fight for you, not just for myself, for my love and for my heart, and for US but for our kids that doesn't seem to bother you at all.yet sometimes i get to thinking that maybe i should or i'd better force myself not to believe in hope anymore even if everybody's been telling me to hold on.For what?it's so damn obvious, you don't love me anymore since you always, always have this habit of making me as your scapegoat...that evething is my fault... that i have fuckin' changed, that you don't love me anymore and you only love the kids...for pete's sake why do i always have to know that on other people and yet when i asked you about that you would tell me that it wasn't true at all...that you damn love me, then why do you have to tell it to everybody for all te world to know if it wasn't true at all?because you pity me?because you feel guilty?because you're happy seeing me hurt?because i makes you glad everytime you laugh at me whenever you see me crying because you've hurted me?i can't even rationalize it nor understand it nor ever figure out what you're driving at?i don't get your point...you are not giving me any change to move on and fix my life either...sometimes i don't even know who to believe and what to believe anymore...I don't even know who you are convincing, me or yourself? I hate myself for always hoping, for always having faith on your words when you have told me that you love me even if i already knew you don't because you are muchly confusing me.sometimes, i would notice you, your daily habit, your reactions and everything in you...sometimes i would sneak and then caught you without you knowing that...and i feel loved because what i have seen haven't got any trace of pretentions in it...and that made me believe that you do love me...but why do you have to hide it from me?why do you have to express it in a manner that i might not know(you thought i would never know)but for what reason? and then when i awake the next day, you seemed to have returned into your own numb, cold self...i can't even find a proper explanation why you have to unmask your real self only to me that i ended up looking like a liar because you have the sheep's mask worn all over your whole self when it comes to other people, to other girls to be exact, that they find you so darn nice...just the same as how i have found you before and i have fallen into that hoax...a perfect and cunning trap...i have been clean and i've got it all as everybody's been saying...that nothing compares to me,that i exceeded 'em all then why do i get to be treated like a trash?like a whore when you know that it only you and no one else ever since?like a cheap and uneducated person?like a no-brainer when you know that i'm never like that, not in a million years?then you would tell me i have changed?somehow wouldn't you wanna ask yourself why i have changed?i admit i have...but you drove me into that...i've been faithful and devoted and a spoiler to you yet what did i get,you treating me low,you womanizing and shaming me in public, youhurting me physically and emotionally, you driving me crazy,pushing me up to the wall and feeling happy doing it? You know what?i hate myself so much because i still love you, because my whole world revolves around you still and no matter how i tried to escape this life i can't because i worry a lot on who's gonna love you the way i do, who's gonna give up everything just for you?on who's gonna catch you when you fall, who's gonna be patient enough to endure everything...the hidden, the unmasked side of yours, the flaws and all after i'm gone? i have loathed myself because i don't understand why do i kept dreaming of something that might or really would never happen?why do i have so much faith, why do i keep tons of hope in being next to you till we grow old and to stay with you till i die?that's stupid but it would be hypocrisy if won't admit it...i always hurt me even more thinking about it. it only made me feel more frustrated, defeated and only let my tears fell bitterly night and day out of nothing good from you..all wasted up!
i have been writing letter for you just the way we were before...some small notes and some long messages that i would never send nor intend to give you.Everything,all neatly stacked up and hidden on the drawer of our closet, all left untouched, unsent and unread. i didn't have all the guts to give it to you.i have even bought a card that i would never send for you might hate me even more. You might just ignore it,would only laught at it, would just have to show it to your friends for some kicks and laughter, you would only made fun at it telling everybody how stupid i m to love you that much? it would only mean nothing to you and would only hurt me so much seeing your reaction laughing to my face as you always do...
i don't even wanna insist myself on you, i might even be or would only be rejected by you as you usually do(it seems as though you project it that im the one who wanted you right from the start when the fact is that it's you who's done everthing posible to gain me)i don't like it,i hurt so much yet i can't do anything about it... the pain is gradually killing me, makin' me suffer even more...i hate the feeling but i still endured all this because i still feel all the happiness from just your slightest hint of affection to me..i bear all the pain, bartered everything to take all the chances i could have only to love you even if for you i don't even exist, even if i'm just nothing, even if it's not good for me, for my kids and for the unborn child inside me...i went gaga clinging on the sheerest hope i could find, to see your old self, te one i fell in love with.. the one who lured me and betrayed me and trapped me into falling inlove for him with with that untrue kindness...i would always, always wanna get back to where we started..and would always wanna pick it up to where we have left before our togetherness went astray...you were so nice and so loving then,before November 10,2000 when you have changed and started morphing into some monster whom i don't know could have ever existed.i am willing to change into my old self again, if you'd only treat me as how you have treated me before...yet...i know wishing things that would never happen is too much!
-peaches (waiting, hurting so much and almost giving up mood)
started:12:30am - 2:30am 28th, nov.2005 (icafe-alone)
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