So Unloved for Someone So Fine

I'm at a loss on what to say, i don't even know what to think... only hater and self - pity and confusion lingered in my head...I haven't got the least bit of strength left for me... I 'm on the verge of giving up.What's this that's happening to me?I don't even know myself anymore...everytime I stared at the mirror I only saw someone else whom I've never known nor noticed before.Who's this loser staring back at me?Who's this woman who doesn't know how to love herself at all,i can't even remember when she had emerged?maybe the right the day when she started learning to love unconditionally and gave up everything she had, fame, stability, inner peace, set of friends,cliche, everything...even her personality in exchange for living in hell with that person who never cared at all whatever happened to her nor if ever she existed at all.

I kept on thinking, if I had been so selfish and if I have never been so giving and so understanding and so forgiving and so accepting...and so blind and so deaf and so mute on everything would I still feel like this?Would I still cry rivers on each unguarded moments?On each chance that i'm alone and had my privacy to grieve?Would I be any happier? Would I be anything but volatile? Why hadn't i seen this before? I'm ruining my life because he's driving me up to the wall and it's quite too late for me to blow my horns or set the pedal and send my brakes slamming and screeching into a halt? Maybe... but, i never did something to stop this because I'm way too busy doing everything to stop any possibility of falling out of love and waking up to get out of this hell's pit that i'm in...

Now, I'm at a loss of what to do...i defied what i have taken so much effort to do (leaving him) and plunged into this promising hoax of a job in order to support my kids and then drove my way back to this nightmarish life. And what did I got?betrayal right there on that freakin' job (financed by his parents - no choice)... ending up with no job at all and a huge damning frustration plus the burden of how am I gonna pay that freakin' 11k they had spent on me...Not only that, I ended up getting so mind-splitting pregnant again plus a bonus of INFECTION on my outer genitalia that has caused me to feel so much lesser and so much smaller than before... There's more, when his ma learned about it, well, she declared that twas my fault (me? why me? i don't even like it!) and that she don't care about us nor this damn baby at all...As if i'm the one dirty, as if everything that he's been doing is all my mistake!Why do I get all these I don't even deserve any of these at all...It doesn't stop there, that maddening old hag of his ancestor was damning me out of my mind... kept on telling and spinning gossip about me...even having all the guts to rule over anybody else and decide as if she owned my firstborn which definitely got under my skin, send shivers right through my spine and some occasional trickles of tears gushing out of my eyes.

When will I stop deserting myself, i don't really know and then when will I start staying with myself, I'm not really sure about. All these little rejections and then all these taking for granted left me feeling so ungood, so worthless, so ignorant, so thrown away, so much ditched...I'm so off the ledge and I can't seem to get away from it all...I know it's insane to keep on hugging one's own nightmarish fate yet i kept on clinging to it...What makes me sick even more is the fact that everybody seemed to put the blame on me...I thought i'd never react, I thought I could just endure everything but...there's too much rage inside me and there's too much pain inside me...and there's way too many scars in my heart that's throbbing and stinging me, drilling a hole in my head and splitting my dignity into many shredded fragments...What i can't understand is why are those people around me so unfair, why do they saw what's bad what's wrong with me yet they could never see what's happening to me, what they are doing or what some people are doing to me?I don't get it...instead, they tend to believe those who lied and tend to deny or cover up those who messed up rather than trying to listen to me...they only hear what i tell 'em but they never listened...nobody seemed to listen to me and that scarred me even more...here i am, i'm not telling any lies since i'm afraid i'd slip if i tried lying even once...then there they are ignoring me judging me, misunderstanding me...vindicating me, crushing me even more...How about him?No bruise at all?He made up all these mess, he smashed me down so low, he plunged me end left me to drown in his own quicksand of lies and of immorality even if i've avoided doing something to demoralize myself even more as he has demoralized me so much more than i deserve...The irony?He practically got away with it,with hands holographically clean of all those exploits and rottened discriminations and polygamy...with the help of his allies...I kept on crying every time i'm alone, i kept on weeping every time i remembered...i'm drowning and i'm on my own...it's like i'm parachuting, he had dropped me in the air then left me fly without the parachute...it's like an emergency, i'm running out of oxygen and then no one was there to hear me scream for help...and hten somewhere else he knew it and was like a ticking bomb..counting his guts out the rest of the moment left for me to die...It's so sick...this is sick I know...but if I won't put it here I think I'll go straight to the looney bin and no question about it...

Maybe...just maybe, if it weren't for my three-year-old daughter who's continuously loving me, who's untiringly cheering me up...who's right there to support me, to cheer me up to talk me out of this day and night i'd be probably dead...she told me she'll always be there, she'll never leave me, she'lll be sad with me, or be happy with me and even cry with me if she had to just so I won't be alone...That, and more...a three-year-old girl could do better than any of my friends, siblings, confidants and parents...she told me she doesn't like it that her older sister doesn't love me...she told me she doesn't like it that her father trashes me like that if only she could do something about it...she's so mature and sounded off like an 18-year old yaung lady... she's the only one who made any sense to me at all...despite the fact that sometimes, those sudden burst of anger and hatred and frustrations...i flared up at her unintentionally yet she understood even not the words that i've been telling her but the feelings of exasperation that i'm experiencing...and she says sorry to me...maybe for annoying me, maybe for pulling the plug and letting a slight surge of anger out of me...maybe because she don't completely understand me at all but she knew how exactly could she pacify me and calm me into halt...All that and the overflowing hugs and kisses and never ending "i love you, Mommys" coming from her...that made me go on even if i have long given up already...it's all because of her...who understand me more than anybody else, who stood by me more than any body else...I may exist still as glum and worthless-looking as a living-dead...but dead men don't die...and dead men could talk their heart out...