I have realized these past few weeks that sometimes just shutting yourself out of everything and just ignoring everything even yourself numbs up the pain that they ara causing you. And just by busying yourself up to the point that your body could no longer carry on could diminish the stress of being on the verge of freaking out...Though at times i had this slight tinge of emptiness inside...but the tranquility of shutting out yourself from anyone is quite restoring and though not thoroughly calming, it could still mend up my already almost crumbling sanity...Yeah, this blast of blunders may quite sound odd but sometimes it makes sense than just keeping it to myself...At least it keeps me sustained and i allowed me to breathe slightly easier than i used to..
.I started writing hate letters and sometimes sad letters..the type that shows my love, my hatred and my anguish...which could make one person really sigh with exasperation! Yet, all these letters went just straight to my bag...all of 'em unsent...i made 'em just to release what's in my head...those thoughts that clouded my head, making me dysfunctional...Yeah it's true, he went out every night and went home around 3:30 or 4:00am...but, i'm not at all bothered and sleepless as i used to...i have learned to accept it though at times even if i'm not waiting for him...my body clock told me to...maybe it's just because i got so much used to waiting in vain for how many years...True, i have learned how many stupid bitches he's been dating, screwing, or having fun with but i didn't bother asking him anymore, not even tried prying on his mobile phone or wallet secretly and then weep unknowingly as before...I just decided to stop looking at him, stop taking care of him and somehow it works quite good on me...maybe at the back of my mind i know that maybe i still do love him because i still got hurt when accidentally i saw this girl's picture wallpapered on his smart amazing phone...(maybe he just finished using the phone when i passed by and so the backlight was still glowing) i don't even know the girl and i did not bother knowing her at all, i just felt a slight tinge of pain...maybe i was insulted, maybe my pride was scratched up a bit...maybe that, but that's about it.i'm not so sure though...because even if i tried missing him, i just don't miss him anymore...maybe i just got tired of loving him so much even if i'm unloved that maybe i have learned not to love him anymore...Maybe those rumors that if you gave your all without saving up a bit of loving for yourself...you would runout of love in the end...i don't even feel interested at all on him...maybe they would never believe me but this is true...that's why i'm putting it in here because i felt satisfaction even if not wholly but i can't share it to anyone for the reason that i might be rejected, i might not be believed and i might be accused of sheer plasticity that's why i just kept this to myself...
These are all expressions...I'm not saying that i'm happy because NO, i'm not...but right now i'm quite contented with this set - up.I don't get forced to have intercourse even if i hated or i don't want it which makes it easier for me because i don't have to oblige myself to give in just because i love him and just because i live in this damn house,NOPE and another one's i don't have to act as if i'm enjoying doing it without love at all...In short, having him out of his room - our room - now, me and my daughter's room is so much convenient for me...my daughter won't see us quarreling or doing it and get affected or traumatized...and i get to heal this damn infection i got from him (who else?) because he's doing it with everybody...and i could rest better after a long day's workload without someone pestering me or pissing me off....besides, i don't go out for check-ups and for further medication now that i'm almost five months pregnant due to lack of support from 'em so i guess this locking up myself to his reality and the reality of our so-called relationship helps me in ways that he never could...It's not that happy but at least it makes me feel okay... and i'm contented for now... - Blank Mood and Contented
08/31/05 2:47pm - 4:03pm Wednesday
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