I know I Shouldn't Be Feeling This Way But...

My head hurts so much due to lack of sleep, lack of comfort and much load of emotional stress from the person who shouldn't be causing me this much depression...i know i shouldn't be feeling this way but...hell, i love this man so much more than my life that i have tried to endure all the pain and all the torturous things he's been doing to me without any qualms at all.I have been feeling so damn sad and always on the verge of crying since December started...why, it's because he's been making it obvious how much he loathed me and how much hurt could he able to incur on my already smashed and mangled heart. No. 1: his mom and i clashed just because she's been eavesdropping me on the fone w/ my bestgurlfwend and she didn't get to like what i've been confiding to my bestbud(and take note:we're already whispering at that...gosh what a good pair of a sleeping ear) about my kids and stuffs like that...she accused me & my bestbud as 'chizmozas' yet she's the one pretending to be asleep only to hear what others has to say...in short a paranoid bitch who wanted to brag about other people's business a lot and hated to be snooped up...duh!And to think she's an educated person and a teacher at that...ano bang pakialam nya if i talked about my daughter on the fone with my bestbud...it's MY daughter and not her's!The nerve...And add to it how she shouted on the fone over my bestbud when she called me the next day?was that a proper behavior of a 50+ educated woman?another was to tell everyone who called me that i'm out of the house?and sleep beside the fone some nights in a row since she just don't want me to to use it...as if...hello!payfones exist,ok!i could have defended myself but i didn't try since she cried her act on her hubby...my father-in-law and then there goes my chance to assert my part...it went out of nowhere...he won't believe me anyway because she was her wife...i must not air my side to spare me some pain it could cause me if i didn't get to be believed...i didn't try to explain my side since my patience snapped,too and i talked back at her that same night... No. 2: On our anniversary, i called him at exactly 12am since 12:01 is Dec.15 already...he didn't answer the fone...not until my fifth call...and he went home past 3am.He woked up by 3pm and texted on my fone to his friends...(first thing on his mind:FRIENDS&GIRLS).i didn't bothered at all...then i've learned whom he's with...because right after texting,he bathed and changed into some decent outfit and went out witht he van...He went out with those boarders on the neighborhood who used to surf the net at our cafe...(huh?)and then he went home 4am the next day...what a nice way to celebrate our last anniversary...i asked himto spare this day so we could end up our relationship better...he just left me crying..and i just dunno what's on the mind of his 2 other current girlfriends to text me that very same day since they thought they wanna be friends with me because they find me nice and kind daw...aargh...i'm so confused and hurt...about Kareen...i feel sorry for her...i know i have felt hatred towards her because of what i've experienced from bhobet just because of her...but i know right now she's not the one...it's angel...a masbateña bitch who already knows he's a family man...who befriended me and now they are the one screwing each other...he always brings his van out just like today where he went home 4 or 5 am already...and his mom went ga-ga searching for him last night...i know i shouldn't be ranting about this stuffs but it makes my head a little lighter...you see, i have been jotting up a quasi-diary cum journal on my mobile's organizer and i've read a few of what i've told him...

it goes this way: "hey, hindi ibig sabihin kaya i asked you kahapon na sana'y magkasama tayo would be because i wanted to make habol to you and stuffs like that...What i want sana'y magkaroon ako ng last good memory with you para pagkaumalis na kami ng mga babies ko here in your hell's pit ay yun na lang ang magandang maiisip ko...Tanggap ko naman na ayaw mo na sa akin, i know, i feel and i could see how much you loathed me and how much you hated me and how much you wanted me out of your life...But for once lang sana,right from the start we never ever had celebrated our anniversary because you always have a different girl...it hurts me so much and i hated myself that i'm crying again for you because i promised myself not to cry anymore yet i still do love you...and that's what makes me suck!I feel so damn rotten...Naiiyak naman ako, masakit sakin...sana maski saktan mo na lng ako physically as how you used to do...not just like this...Para mo akong sinasaksak sa puso...I don't even know what the heck was my sin para ibigay sakin ni God ang guy na tulad mo...I've been a good straight-laced gurl all my life..if ever there had been changes in me...it only started just last year...when you paired up with my ex-bestfriend and you know it...i just don't know why grabeng pasakit ang dinadanas ko sayo...i have been so damn faithful to you,i gave you my life...my whole world revolves around you...Porke ba alam mong mahal kita at alam mong ako lang ang kayang - kaya mong ganyanin kasi sa labas ang tingin sayo santo...di nila alam na mask mo lang yun?Prke ba alam mong aalis na ako,itinutodo mo nang saktan ang kalooban ko kasi pag-alis ko wala ka ng mababastos,matatratong parang basura at masasaktan emotionally at physically na iba kasi nga your mask outside is a good, sweet, and understanding compassionate person...huh?!If only they knew the truth..sad to say you only unmasked yourself on me...why me of all the people...as far as i'm concerned and as far as we both know...i'm the straightest and a virgin whom you had gotten laid right?so why me when right from the start you know we're opposite on all things...it's so unfair for me to be your training field...i am so naive and so innocent and so straight...why me?can't you blame me if i'm feeling this much pain?You know what?Everytime you went home early morning,why is it that you need to knock and sleep beside me pa when the fact is that we've been separated since Oct31?D'you need to do that to slap on my face the naked truth that you went home near daybreak because you don't want me anymore?then, shouldn't you be at the 3rd floor afterall?So that you wouldn't have to use me...at least it will diminish mypains and sufferings...Or do you intentiously do that because it satisfies you and it makes you happy everytime you hurt my feelings?Please don't mess with me,please why don't you just leave me alone...i have too much pain that i could bear...everytime you talked to me or had your fake concerns on me you only intensifies the pain i'm feeling?Why? Aren't you contented enough on the pain you've been giving me?Wasn't all these years of torture enough?Why? What am i doing to you?I ain't doing anything on you, for God's sake..." - and for all these messages...i only got laughed and mocked at...i can't sleep and i can't eat as well...i can't even function well...worst i don't have an outlet since i'm not a night person who went out at night...i don't drink or smoke...i can't scream out my anger...i only have to hide if i wanted to cry...damn this feelings darn...i get to change from a well-mannered and polished person to a dull and vulgar one just because i'm so darn imploding...i feel like a manic bipolar junkie...i hate myself...i don't even wanna look at the mirror because i just don't know who i am now...i'm not me anymore and it's breaking my heart...people really change regarding their experience...now i do believe it...i wonder if i could piece myself back when i left this place...yeah, my heart might heal but the scars would remain there...he caused me a lot of pain,he changed my life...he taught me how to love and beyond that...i wasted all my life, my potentials and my opportunities just because i gave 'em all up in exchange of him...i could have been a law graduate by now...i could have been the plain old simple and nerdy peach i used to be...i could still remain innocent...but one thing i never regretted...when he gave me those precious gurls i thought i'd never had...that would be be the only good things he'd given me...my cherubims...

- Peaches, 9:39 - 11:40am

December 17, 2004 - Friday

Blue Mood,Crying Mood:

Sad,Bad,Frustrated & Defeated Mood